tenderpaw08 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenderpaw08) wrote2018-09-27 08:11 pm
tenderpaw08) wrote2018-09-27 08:11 pm
Entry tags:
A Time to Talk
It is said that to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. Well, this is my time to talk and the purposes are to give my perspective and maybe set a few things straight. This is very convoluted, and I might edit for clarity at some point. The content probably won't change.
I was married for several years to a pretty cool guy. We had a kid. Things went south. He left. The kid and I moved. We divorced. He stayed in the kid’s life for a few years and then moved far away. We rarely hear anything and don’t have an address for him, yet know he’s working because the state keeps transferring child support they garnish -it’s less than half of what it once was. Those are the very basic fairly commonly known facts.
This is here, and public. Share it if you want, tell my ex if you like. He’s accused me of poisoning people against him over the years. I’ve kept quiet about a lot of things and mostly only talked to a very small handful of close friends or people I was in relationships with about stuff. Much of the reason for silence was to show respect because a young child who loved his daddy was paying attention and I wanted to do everything I could to enable them to have a positive relationship. I did; my ex did not. There is a lot more that I'm not saying at this time.
He left over 12 years ago. I’ve waited long enough. The pain is less, the rage as well. The facts remain. Though only two at the time of the initial separation, my child was convinced even only a few years ago that it was his fault his father left, because he was “a bad baby.” Okay, maybe the rage is only suppressed.
My ex husband was and is a lying narcissistic abuser. He is also a repeat sexual predator. He has reframed many things in his own mind and believed his versions were fact regardless of proof otherwise. He can be very charming, charismatic, and believable. He got very angry when confronted. I wanted to be happy and safe more than right, so I let a lot of things go unchallenged and I defended him when I shouldn’t have. He might tell you he made some mistakes, and has a very bad memory so if he gets something wrong it isn’t his fault he can’t remember.
He was passionate and considerate and affectionate for months when we met; look up “love-bombing” to understand the technique. He convinced me that he was honest, a paladin type (plays them at larp, of course, because that’s who he really is). Reality was much different from the helpful, committed person he was at games. He criticized me a lot. It became more openly hostile several months before he left. I tried to fix things yet couldn’t. That might have been in part because he had unrealistic expectations and resented not getting as much attention as he did when there were only two of us. Yet he had been using backhanded compliments pretty much since we met. I believed nobody else would ever love and accept me. I’ve had some truly wonderful partners since then prove otherwise, even if I am single at this time.
We larped together. He insisted I should be a cleric so I could heal his fighter character, was unhappy that it wasn’t a starting spell for me because all clerics should have that, and he hounded me to find a teacher and learn it. I still have horrible anxiety about character creation, because I believed it was somehow my fault. My tabletop characters were never good enough either.
We went to Renaissance Fairs, and volunteered for one. He flirted with younger girls there, yet that is a cultural norm. One even got him a ceramic present for being stealthy and sneaking up on her. He despised one of the faire owners and it was stressful when his ego couldn’t handle a larger one who happened to have superior skills in some areas and a bigger fan base. He stopped volunteering yet wanted me to do so and share my reward points with him since he was enabling/letting me do so. I did, because he was my husband and I loved him and I didn’t really care about the points so much as helping out a faire I loved and being able to hang out with awesome people.
A big argument in the last couple of years of our living together stemmed from me being emphatically opposed to him having a physical IG relationship with another player at a larp. I asked him to speak with her about it before initiating anything, and to keep it to courtly romance. He insisted that there shouldn’t be any problem with kissing. I said that for me, there would be under the circumstances he described and that she and/or her boyfriend should be apprised of his character’s interest. I was at home with an infant at the time. Things eventually came out in game only and she was shocked yet so far as I know okay with the extra attention from plot for being his love interest. I don’t think he got his kiss(es). He vented a lot of frustration about how things played out from that. He thought she must have known, and should have been happier about it.
He did not want me to go to events anymore myself. Apparently breast is best and even though he seemed fine with bottle feeding at times when I was around, said it didn’t work well when I wasn’t. Then he didn’t want me to go anywhere alone. He would call and ask when I’d be home even when I gave very specific times and had necessary reasons to go without taking the baby. He called during one event and said things that worried me so badly I didn’t leave them alone together for more than an hour for over a year, and did everything I could before leaving to minimize any problems. I excused it as him not really being a baby person. I didn’t know better and we didn’t have reddit then. He sucked as a father then, acted like caring for his son was a horrible inconvenience, and when we were separated and divorced he would have other people take care of him for much of his scheduled visitation times.
Throughout the marriage he cut me off from having friends outside of things he was involved with. He had to accompany me when I met up with a friend from college, etc. He said negative things about people I worked with and discouraged me from doing anything with them outside of work hours. The faire was okay for a while because he felt it benefitted him.
He began having online exchanges with a variety of young women. It happens. Most were ten or so years younger than him and some attended the college he had failed out of years prior so he knew the territory. He moved into a shared living situation near there and began his pursuits by attending SCA and other club-like activities. It was less than a year before he had found the light of his life who was barely legal, sweet, smart, pretty, and thrilled to be with someone as incredible as he for a couple of years.
Funny how after he left and I needed time to find a new home and tried merchanting at the faire he was able to take care of our son for a few weekends. He still called to pressure me to get back as soon as possible.
He went through a depression after that first young woman broke things off with him. He would call and verbally abuse me. He told me I was the source of all negativity in his life and worse. I was afraid at times, both for myself and our son. He asked me to contact my Rennie friends to see if they would learn and sing a particular song with him as a grand gesture for when she visited the faire because when they watched a movie with a marching band related grand gesture she had said “If anyone ever did something like that for me I would have to marry them.” Uhm, no. He did not understand why I wouldn’t ask much less coerce acquaintances to do that for him. For love, you know, because she was the one who lit up a room by walking into it and he couldn’t bear to be without her and she had cut him off completely. He briefly dated a teen mom who had some very erotic pictures on her dating profile. Yes, I cyberstalked him. He was being unpredictable and erratic.
He was forced to leave his job when he didn’t fit their culture anymore. I am sure there was more to it than that. Money got really tight. He moved in with another larper and said they were room mates right up until he said “you know we were together, right?” after they broke up because “I didn’t love her and didn’t want to pretend it didn’t matter like I did with you.” No, douchebag, I didn’t know you were a couple. I still believed you then. When the unemployment got low he drove across the country hoping for a better life. He bid a tearful and overly dramatic goodbye to our young child and said he didn’t know if or when he would see him again. My son began having behavioral problems the next day which worsened and continued in various aspects for several years. There are still lingering patterns of behavior that the now teenager struggles to overcome. Yet I digress.
My ex wasn’t able to make a go of it across the continent with nothing lined up. Canada refused him entry to visit family there because they thought he might not be able to afford to leave if his car had a problem, or so he said. He had so much stuff in it I think they were concerned he would try to immigrate. He ended up connecting with a women he’d met at Pennsic and allegedly staying on her lawn in a tent for a few months in New England. He didn’t tell me he was close enough for a day trip until he was about to leave. He told me not to tell our son.
He continued pursuing younger women in various parts of the country. He visited and reconnected with his first ever girlfriend in NC yet it ended “for political reasons.”
My ex says he has burned all his bridges here, and anywhere in our state would be too painful because of memories of the ex he had after leaving us being from this state though not even close to where we are.
While working in the south he met a lovely young person who was working at a comic book store. They hit it off and were together for years and even relocated across the country together. That partner was mature for their age, yet that was barely more than half of his. They had a neurological disability and did not drive. He increased the level of dependency, I would imagine even more once they moved. He corrected them a lot when they would speak, and it hurt to see his level of control. While I did not enjoy sharing the aftermath of their breakup last year, I am glad they are free. Yet “I know she still cares, because she texted me “Merry Christmas.”
I realize that I haven’t share the physically abusive aspects of our relationship. I am not prepared to do so at this time and frankly it isn’t your business. You either believe me or you do not. He systematically and methodically manipulated me to trust him, used me for years, and moved on to younger and more inexperienced prey who appreciated his attentions for a time. He says that he needs to be with a woman of that age range because they understand how youthful and passionate he really is. Age is only a number, right? Older men are naturally attracted to younger women and they appreciate the skills, experiences, and stability than an older man offers. These have been said to me. My own theory, from experience before during and since my marriage to him is that younger and preferably virginal women are less likely to notice much less complain about any inadequacies he might have along with the aforementioned benefits. Instead of a sportscar or oversized pickup truck he compensates with mansplaining and charisma.
He has a history of violence. It cost him at least one job. He was banned from NERO and was very specific that I should never larp certain games because people might be upset by our last name. I don’t know the real story, yet I suspect he wanted to be sure I never meet the woman he literally scarred for life. I wish I had her contact information and/or a court admissible statement about his actual character. He made sure other people who knew him from there believed his story or didn’t know about what happened. I and his other partners learned to placate him; it was the safe choice.
One thing this week has taught me is that we were wrong to believe the lie that we were/are all alone. We are many. It is a sad sister and brotherhood to be a part of, yet we are becoming stronger together.
If you look up “missing stair” my ex-husband matches very well with the behaviors listed there. He even changes screen names and email addresses at times so it’s harder to find evidence of his various social circles. He has engaged in grooming behaviors and preyed upon young women at games, faires, social gatherings, conventions, and more. Most of those who larped with him and/or worked with him professionally haven’t seen it; they were not his prey. They may have been targeted to believe in how good and helpful he is, and how responsible. He did things for other people he would not do for us.
He is in therapy now, and I hope he is getting the help he needs. We still hear nothing from him unless it’s a birthday or Christmas. Even that was a couple of minutes talking to his son and over an hour venting to me about what has gone wrong in his life. I refused to talk to him the last time. He can send email or set up something in advance if we need to address something together. He doesn’t get to ruin any more celebrations. I hope he doesn’t damage any more lives.
I was married for several years to a pretty cool guy. We had a kid. Things went south. He left. The kid and I moved. We divorced. He stayed in the kid’s life for a few years and then moved far away. We rarely hear anything and don’t have an address for him, yet know he’s working because the state keeps transferring child support they garnish -it’s less than half of what it once was. Those are the very basic fairly commonly known facts.
This is here, and public. Share it if you want, tell my ex if you like. He’s accused me of poisoning people against him over the years. I’ve kept quiet about a lot of things and mostly only talked to a very small handful of close friends or people I was in relationships with about stuff. Much of the reason for silence was to show respect because a young child who loved his daddy was paying attention and I wanted to do everything I could to enable them to have a positive relationship. I did; my ex did not. There is a lot more that I'm not saying at this time.
He left over 12 years ago. I’ve waited long enough. The pain is less, the rage as well. The facts remain. Though only two at the time of the initial separation, my child was convinced even only a few years ago that it was his fault his father left, because he was “a bad baby.” Okay, maybe the rage is only suppressed.
My ex husband was and is a lying narcissistic abuser. He is also a repeat sexual predator. He has reframed many things in his own mind and believed his versions were fact regardless of proof otherwise. He can be very charming, charismatic, and believable. He got very angry when confronted. I wanted to be happy and safe more than right, so I let a lot of things go unchallenged and I defended him when I shouldn’t have. He might tell you he made some mistakes, and has a very bad memory so if he gets something wrong it isn’t his fault he can’t remember.
He was passionate and considerate and affectionate for months when we met; look up “love-bombing” to understand the technique. He convinced me that he was honest, a paladin type (plays them at larp, of course, because that’s who he really is). Reality was much different from the helpful, committed person he was at games. He criticized me a lot. It became more openly hostile several months before he left. I tried to fix things yet couldn’t. That might have been in part because he had unrealistic expectations and resented not getting as much attention as he did when there were only two of us. Yet he had been using backhanded compliments pretty much since we met. I believed nobody else would ever love and accept me. I’ve had some truly wonderful partners since then prove otherwise, even if I am single at this time.
We larped together. He insisted I should be a cleric so I could heal his fighter character, was unhappy that it wasn’t a starting spell for me because all clerics should have that, and he hounded me to find a teacher and learn it. I still have horrible anxiety about character creation, because I believed it was somehow my fault. My tabletop characters were never good enough either.
We went to Renaissance Fairs, and volunteered for one. He flirted with younger girls there, yet that is a cultural norm. One even got him a ceramic present for being stealthy and sneaking up on her. He despised one of the faire owners and it was stressful when his ego couldn’t handle a larger one who happened to have superior skills in some areas and a bigger fan base. He stopped volunteering yet wanted me to do so and share my reward points with him since he was enabling/letting me do so. I did, because he was my husband and I loved him and I didn’t really care about the points so much as helping out a faire I loved and being able to hang out with awesome people.
A big argument in the last couple of years of our living together stemmed from me being emphatically opposed to him having a physical IG relationship with another player at a larp. I asked him to speak with her about it before initiating anything, and to keep it to courtly romance. He insisted that there shouldn’t be any problem with kissing. I said that for me, there would be under the circumstances he described and that she and/or her boyfriend should be apprised of his character’s interest. I was at home with an infant at the time. Things eventually came out in game only and she was shocked yet so far as I know okay with the extra attention from plot for being his love interest. I don’t think he got his kiss(es). He vented a lot of frustration about how things played out from that. He thought she must have known, and should have been happier about it.
He did not want me to go to events anymore myself. Apparently breast is best and even though he seemed fine with bottle feeding at times when I was around, said it didn’t work well when I wasn’t. Then he didn’t want me to go anywhere alone. He would call and ask when I’d be home even when I gave very specific times and had necessary reasons to go without taking the baby. He called during one event and said things that worried me so badly I didn’t leave them alone together for more than an hour for over a year, and did everything I could before leaving to minimize any problems. I excused it as him not really being a baby person. I didn’t know better and we didn’t have reddit then. He sucked as a father then, acted like caring for his son was a horrible inconvenience, and when we were separated and divorced he would have other people take care of him for much of his scheduled visitation times.
Throughout the marriage he cut me off from having friends outside of things he was involved with. He had to accompany me when I met up with a friend from college, etc. He said negative things about people I worked with and discouraged me from doing anything with them outside of work hours. The faire was okay for a while because he felt it benefitted him.
He began having online exchanges with a variety of young women. It happens. Most were ten or so years younger than him and some attended the college he had failed out of years prior so he knew the territory. He moved into a shared living situation near there and began his pursuits by attending SCA and other club-like activities. It was less than a year before he had found the light of his life who was barely legal, sweet, smart, pretty, and thrilled to be with someone as incredible as he for a couple of years.
Funny how after he left and I needed time to find a new home and tried merchanting at the faire he was able to take care of our son for a few weekends. He still called to pressure me to get back as soon as possible.
He went through a depression after that first young woman broke things off with him. He would call and verbally abuse me. He told me I was the source of all negativity in his life and worse. I was afraid at times, both for myself and our son. He asked me to contact my Rennie friends to see if they would learn and sing a particular song with him as a grand gesture for when she visited the faire because when they watched a movie with a marching band related grand gesture she had said “If anyone ever did something like that for me I would have to marry them.” Uhm, no. He did not understand why I wouldn’t ask much less coerce acquaintances to do that for him. For love, you know, because she was the one who lit up a room by walking into it and he couldn’t bear to be without her and she had cut him off completely. He briefly dated a teen mom who had some very erotic pictures on her dating profile. Yes, I cyberstalked him. He was being unpredictable and erratic.
He was forced to leave his job when he didn’t fit their culture anymore. I am sure there was more to it than that. Money got really tight. He moved in with another larper and said they were room mates right up until he said “you know we were together, right?” after they broke up because “I didn’t love her and didn’t want to pretend it didn’t matter like I did with you.” No, douchebag, I didn’t know you were a couple. I still believed you then. When the unemployment got low he drove across the country hoping for a better life. He bid a tearful and overly dramatic goodbye to our young child and said he didn’t know if or when he would see him again. My son began having behavioral problems the next day which worsened and continued in various aspects for several years. There are still lingering patterns of behavior that the now teenager struggles to overcome. Yet I digress.
My ex wasn’t able to make a go of it across the continent with nothing lined up. Canada refused him entry to visit family there because they thought he might not be able to afford to leave if his car had a problem, or so he said. He had so much stuff in it I think they were concerned he would try to immigrate. He ended up connecting with a women he’d met at Pennsic and allegedly staying on her lawn in a tent for a few months in New England. He didn’t tell me he was close enough for a day trip until he was about to leave. He told me not to tell our son.
He continued pursuing younger women in various parts of the country. He visited and reconnected with his first ever girlfriend in NC yet it ended “for political reasons.”
My ex says he has burned all his bridges here, and anywhere in our state would be too painful because of memories of the ex he had after leaving us being from this state though not even close to where we are.
While working in the south he met a lovely young person who was working at a comic book store. They hit it off and were together for years and even relocated across the country together. That partner was mature for their age, yet that was barely more than half of his. They had a neurological disability and did not drive. He increased the level of dependency, I would imagine even more once they moved. He corrected them a lot when they would speak, and it hurt to see his level of control. While I did not enjoy sharing the aftermath of their breakup last year, I am glad they are free. Yet “I know she still cares, because she texted me “Merry Christmas.”
I realize that I haven’t share the physically abusive aspects of our relationship. I am not prepared to do so at this time and frankly it isn’t your business. You either believe me or you do not. He systematically and methodically manipulated me to trust him, used me for years, and moved on to younger and more inexperienced prey who appreciated his attentions for a time. He says that he needs to be with a woman of that age range because they understand how youthful and passionate he really is. Age is only a number, right? Older men are naturally attracted to younger women and they appreciate the skills, experiences, and stability than an older man offers. These have been said to me. My own theory, from experience before during and since my marriage to him is that younger and preferably virginal women are less likely to notice much less complain about any inadequacies he might have along with the aforementioned benefits. Instead of a sportscar or oversized pickup truck he compensates with mansplaining and charisma.
He has a history of violence. It cost him at least one job. He was banned from NERO and was very specific that I should never larp certain games because people might be upset by our last name. I don’t know the real story, yet I suspect he wanted to be sure I never meet the woman he literally scarred for life. I wish I had her contact information and/or a court admissible statement about his actual character. He made sure other people who knew him from there believed his story or didn’t know about what happened. I and his other partners learned to placate him; it was the safe choice.
One thing this week has taught me is that we were wrong to believe the lie that we were/are all alone. We are many. It is a sad sister and brotherhood to be a part of, yet we are becoming stronger together.
If you look up “missing stair” my ex-husband matches very well with the behaviors listed there. He even changes screen names and email addresses at times so it’s harder to find evidence of his various social circles. He has engaged in grooming behaviors and preyed upon young women at games, faires, social gatherings, conventions, and more. Most of those who larped with him and/or worked with him professionally haven’t seen it; they were not his prey. They may have been targeted to believe in how good and helpful he is, and how responsible. He did things for other people he would not do for us.
He is in therapy now, and I hope he is getting the help he needs. We still hear nothing from him unless it’s a birthday or Christmas. Even that was a couple of minutes talking to his son and over an hour venting to me about what has gone wrong in his life. I refused to talk to him the last time. He can send email or set up something in advance if we need to address something together. He doesn’t get to ruin any more celebrations. I hope he doesn’t damage any more lives.